I love playing a
team obviously overcompensating for their small penises.
The team that
talks itself up the most, Bender Rehab in case you haven't heard, proudly wears
the color pink, because it represents the color of their bush league playing
abilities. They come onto the field strutting their toned asses (see picture
below), with loads of jello "shots" that have less alcohol content
than a keg of Zima. To top it all off, they come bearing a custom flip cup
table even though they have the flip cup skills of a pixie stick.
If you've ever
heard of Bender's trips to national kickball tournaments, you would have good
reason think they were a decent team. You would be wrong, of course, but it
would be a reasonable assumption. In fact, if Laurel and Hardy ever come back
from the grave and decide to put on a kickball skit, they will find much
inspiration from the unintentionally comedic team that is Bender Rehab.
Bender led off
from the top of the first inning, but that ended fairly quickly as their first
three swingers proceeded to strike out three times to our pitches. It's not
that that our pitches were fast or sneaky. It's that their foot-ball
coordination might actually be helped by a good dose of Parkinson's. So, after
about two minutes into the game, better known as The Domination of Bender,
started the bottom of the first, which turned into 45 minute barrage of
kickballs into BFE Canada. We decided that even though they might be terrible
kickball players, they were people too, and we gave the inning to Bender, so at
least three more of their players would get a chance to swing at the ball.
Since the score at this point was something like 538-0 we decided to help them
out. Knowing that even slow pitches might be beyond their abilities, we just
placed it on home plate. If toddlers can learn to play baseball via teeball,
couldn't Bender learn to play kickball in the same manner?
Apparently not,
since even with ball just sitting there, motionless, the inning ended just as
quickly as the first one, and in the same manner as well, with each player
swinging and missing.
After the
assault, there was the official Kicki Longstocking-Bender Rehab Das Boot
competition. You would think a team with their own Das Boots would actually be
able to drink a beer or two, but apparently they only use it for Lemonade to go
with their alcohol-free Jell-O. It was three on three Kicki vs Bender, and when
I finished mine in 1.4 seconds flat, I thought I was seeing triple, but, nope,
what I saw was actually there: three Benders leaning over the garbage can
puking their guts out. As expected, we beat Bender at their very own Das Boot
challenge.
Finally, it was
time for the flip cup competition. Once again, given their obnoxiously pink
flip cup table, you may think Bender were masters of flip cup, but the only
thing they are masters of is Sucking. If Sucking was a sport, Bender Rehab
really would be America's Team. They would probably win the Olympics year after
year as well. As their bodies were already wasted from a few sips of alcohol
from the Das Bootdown, they spent the entire time trying to finish that first
drink and never actually got to flipping. As such, yes, Kicki destroyed again.
It was a good
game, Bender, if you want to call it a game. Maybe next season you'll get to
kick a ball or two.
Love,
Kicki
Longstocking
Oh shit yeah! Oh
fuck yeah! Ole shit fucking yeah! You know Bender Rehab be on the prowl for one
more week of this kickball shit. Oh and look who we played last week, Kicki
Longstocking. Now hey, let me lay down some knowledge on those of you who are
not knowledgeable about this knowledge. From day numero one, Bender hath been
layin' the smacketh down on this kickball group of kickballers. They want to be
Bender Rehab, but guess what, they never will be because we put the BE in
Bender Rehab! Suck it, Kicki! I will offer one quick Bender tip to those
struggling teams: Never change your shirt color. What has two thumbs and
prefers not to do the laundry for weeks on end? This guy! C'mon, it was so
obvious! Thanks to having the same shirt color, I have been able to hold on to
countless quarters. This comes in handy for shit like feeding the meter,
getting yummy snacks from the vending machine and flattening coins on railroad
tracks. Ya ever see that shit? It gets so damn flat. Aw yeah! Ole!
So, as far as
the game. C'mon you know how that went. Let me offer some more wisdom. Bender's
key to kickball pre-gaming:
1) Pucker: Once,
I changed the P to an F on the bottle. Fucking hilarious.
2) Four Loko:
Little known fact: Rink has this shit hidden in his cellar. Not the fake stuff.
Real, fucking, Four Loko. Take this to Rush and Division and you'll be a king
for a night.
3) Jello shots:
I guess Rink once met Bill Cosby. Rink says he was "cool". You can't
make this shit up, bro.
4) Combine all
three: Think Irish car bombs, but for real fucking men. Mix and match colors.
Taste the rainbow, yo.
Alright, there's
your lethal combination for kickball success. Ole!
Of course, this
did not let us down. I think we won something like 10-1. I don't know, I have
difficulty counting during kickball (See 1-4 of the pregame guide). So does
Rink. Oh shit, here comes another Bender tip/secret: Rink soaks his headband in
Sparks the night before a game. (The original recipe! His cellar be deep!) So
yeah, he's basically soaking up that shit through his forehead and his gorgeous
highlights. No homo, bro.
Now, let's talk
the bar. Das boot! Das boot! Knowing our weakness, (flip cup, so juvenile), we
quick-witted Kicki into a match of Das freakin' boot. Now, here's something you
may not know. We basically got the Kobyashi of boot drinking. Instead of swallowing
wieners, he swallows beer...out of a boot! So we won. 3 for 3. No puke-age,
whatsoever. I took that shit down like a pro. Sure, my liver probably hates me,
but Rink said he'd buy me a new one in a few years.
Til' next week! OLE!!!!!
